My Relationship to my Father in Law

My father in law has a personality that is very difficult for me to be with. To sit with. To talk to, to listen to. To be around, to be associated with. He makes me very uncomfortable, and feel very clenched up inside.

He just so happens to be the HR department for Groupify, a side project I have been working on for free for about 7 months. He asked me to help with their design work, and I was curious and interested enough to say yes.

The problem with him, is now that he brought me onto this project, and success I have with the project he sees as his success. He is a... narcissist I think? That word is used so much, I think it's overly used now-a-days, but I actually think he might be one. He sees the world as a sports game, and he is the reigning champion wherever he goes. This can be a great trait to have, it is a very confident approach. But the problem with our interactions is that he does not have an open mind or a soft approach, and comes across to the persons he is speaking to as inferior pupils. When he is trying to have a soft approach, it comes across like he needs to be soft because this person he is speaking with is weak. "Don't be soft" is very much in line with him, and "ripping" people he loves to do - which is really just talking smack about people.

He likes to bring up people's crap to other people. He's a gossiper. He also is a labeler, and likes to remind me of the label he has placed on me when he talks to me about Groupify: "I know you, you tend to over extend yourself and then just bail and get over it", he has said that to me probably in 5 different conversations by now, and it will happen again. And after hearing him gossip about other individuals to me and other people, I can guarantee he has said this to multiple people about me. Probably to our CEO for Groupify and who knows who else.

The lesson for me here, is to see things clearly as they are, and continue connecting to myself. Keep connecting to what aligns to me. I will not be changing or having influence on Trent, he is deep into his narcissism and his tendencies and has no reason to change. So, I can do a few things here.

1. Just continue to be extremely uncomfortable during our interactions and let the awkward energy linger with me after I'm done talking with him.

2. Choose to make our conversations short and infrequent.

3. Let the uncomfortable energy during my interactions with him help me open up to ways of tending to myself. What about this is uncomfortable? How can I provide what I need to feel comfortable and safe?

You know, maybe it's because I like to think that I know best, or that I am the champion. So when Trent comes in and does his intense interaction like he does, perhaps that is actually threatening my ego?

I try to be open to what he is saying and be opinionated with him, but it never feels authentic with Trent. It perhaps is the pace at which he talks. I like to take my time more with conversation, or be more soft. Both Trent and Cammie actually are very fast and intense with their conversation pace... which makes me feel uncomfortable. Do I feel obligated to match this intensity? How do I work with this personality and not just feel completely cringy? I'd love for it to feel like I can still be authentic to me, without feeling like he is seeing me as "a bailer" and feel so inferior around him. It is difficult to feel authentic because his personality sort of derails my center. Maybe the work I need to do is to realize I'm not whatever he is labeling me, and just keep connecting to myself and be my own best advocate so I don't have to bail on things.

He also has said multiple times "You are the best thing Groupify has so you can't bail. You're the one that is making the thing actually start to work." Which is pressure I really dislike hearing.

Each time I have talked with him about Groupify, I do want to get out of it because I strongly dislike having him as a coworker, and especially as the HR lead. Thankfully I don't work with him ever, I haven't talked with him in a couple months, so it's been nice in that sense. I get to work with Griffin and Trang primarily, both of whom I really like. And I really like our mission and vision of the app. It's so much more than just a project that associated me with Trent.