Reflection on me Sharing things and the shame that arises

 I'm afraid to share my passions.

I shared the meditation with Sean and Rachelle, and I was very judgmental and harsh towards myself. I was feeling so passionate and excited, and that immediately made me feel I was supposed to shame myself.

Now, sitting inside of that. What am I experiencing? What are these emotions that are coming up?

Judgment

Embarrassment

Uncertainty

Shame that it's not "right" or "correct" or "the thing I SHOULD be doing or caring about". No one is coming at me and in fact, they might love that I am sharing.

What this shame and unease come from, is that I have not ALLOWED myself to feel passionate. Largely because my mom was labeled manic and had shock treatments, and was talked about as a crazy person, and I saw her as passionate. So when I was very little, feeling truly and deeply passionate about something triggered a fear within myself - A fear that if I allowed myself to be completely joy-filled and unlimited within my passion, that I would inevitably be cast into the loony bin. That my ideas would become a vice of hell, that I must retain some level of self shame and self loathing as a way to stop myself from becoming "too much" and then in turn become medicated and suppressed by others. SO... I must suppress myself. By hinting to myself constantly throughout the day of some sort of deep seeded shame and embarrasment of the decisions I make on my own.

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