Reflections on Self Judgment and the delusion that it is.

My anxiety has stemmed from a deeply rooted judgment of self. I haven't realized this until now. I've been able to sit within extreme anxiety the last couple weeks, and especially today, and cut right through it, to see clearly the present moment. And the realization of my own self judgement came to me clearly, and I, for the first time ever, sat outside of it. In the heat of adrenaline and panic. Saw it for what it was. That self judgment is a generational pattern that I am breaking, was able to wake up to, and I believe my ancestors are supporting me and cheering me on. I'm so grateful for this time, to have a spiritual awakening during the time YouTube is around. For reals! It has really benefited me in finding Byron Katie and her work. I watch her working sessions all the time, and they have helped me see that it's possible to deeply love myself, and to deeply love the world. She has shown me how possible it is, Mooji and his videos have helped me silence my thinking mind back when I was in deep confusion. And Syd Banks work which also really helped me understand thought and how thinking works... It really has been the best time to have a spiritual awakening. Those are mentors for me. And have really resonated with everything I am experiencing. The physical sensations are just that, and as I sit with awareness, something bigger holds me. The panic is still there, but takes a back seat to the amazing love I am held in. Geez right now, I sit here judging myself writing this, because this all sounds so hooky. But pausing, this judgment too, is just a false belief... I see the delusion of anything that brings upset to my life, and pull back into the seat of awareness and vast expansive completely unconditionally loving Universe. Dude... it's been a very real and clarifying, and even grounding, experience. 

Why am I judging myself so badly?

I have a deeply rooted belief that my very nature as a human is damned, by just functioning naturally and regularly, manifested by always present anxiety to one degree or another. This must stem from never being truly connected to self. As a young child from the beginning, I was a very shy kid. This could be partly why it's gernational, it's been in me for a long long time... This deep root belief of "I am never enough. I didn't live up to, and never will,all of the expectations". Believing my existence is to buoy and serve and help the other, because I haven't ever fully been here for myself and in my power, always taught that we shouldn't be selfish but unsure what that meant, so deep down that became all-encompassing of the self for me, almost getting me into a self abusive belief system, that manifested in constant unsurety of 'who I am'. The youngest of 5 kids, another large part of why I have previously reflected on "Feeling like the baby in my family and the baby in life". The un-selfish route for me of which I thought I was supposed to take, turned into overgiving, oversharing, over-reaching outside of the self, and a heavy few layers of codependency behaviors and tendencies.

So this narrative of when I get a task with work (which causes me anxiety - so I'm just thinking of times I catch myself in high anxiety and see what core belief is bringing that emotion up), or a task  I will suffer through trying, and I will work myself into the Ground. Just so I can run from this horrible feeling that I do not know anything, and I must follow along in order to survive. It came across feeling like "I do not know who I am." My therapist in high school asked me to write down what I believe, didn't believe, liked, didn't like, etc... I felt very blank with this assignment. Me? I'm supposed to think about me? I had never cultivated the self. This isn't really on anyone, I'm not blaming anyone for this. It just hadn't crossed my mind that I really tend to my self. It was an impossible task for me, I didn't feel connected to too many things truly to my core. Except for music and art, and the I have Heavenly Father who deeply loves me, I did and still do feel connected to that. Anyways. This belief that I don't deserve to know the right answer and to please was stored in my bones lifetimes ago.

With this awakening, I am arriving to Joni. I am arriving home, and I am so happy and filled with gratitude to be experiencing this awareness. I am held in unconditional love, it's all encompassing. Byron Katie's voice really helped open that to me. I am truly perfect as I am, and I am so loved deeping inside of myself, and vastly outside of myself. It's an impenetrable continuous beam of generosity, kindness, joy, friendship, love, expansion. There is no reason for the delusion of negative thought rumination. Negative thought ruminations halt us from the ever-present, ever-supporting, and ever-gifting universe.

Invitations from life to inquire of, and to bring into awareness:
When I feel anxious while checking my slack messages. Notice the feelings, notice the sensations, and recognize them for what they are. They are just feeling and just sensations. And just notice, and notice you're held in this universe, this universe which supports me unconditionally. And watch it. Observe it. Cultivate it, and bring that tension into the arms of the loving awareness you have always been held in.
I was just texting Mariza. I have a photoshoot idea, and I am facing massive self judgment. What if this idea is weird? Or what if someone thinks I'm crazy? Self criticism at the highest levels. But I bring it back into awareness, and I see that this is actually something I really want to do. And it's ONLY FOR ME. And that scares the living fuck out of me, to the point that I believe if I do anything autonomously, I'm going manic, because my mom went manic with her book back when I was like 7 years old. Oooh fuck. I have deep mother wound work to tend to. To cultivate loving motherhood within myself, to myself. Younger Joni was taken care of the best that was available, and taught the things as best as they could be taught. But now Joni needs permission to drop mom's happiness - as if it was never hers to buoy. It wasn't ever yours to hold up or to take care of, Joni. And anything you did or didn't do had nothing to do with you being "good enough" to be loved. You were loved deeply outside of the program you were placed in, and I believe I was placed there in order to find myself. The universe is so generous, and as I sit inside of it's vast expansive awareness, I am wrapped in unconditional overly gifting love.