The March Awakening - Blockage Event

This last week was a week of great spiritual awakening.

Last Friday, 9 days ago, I had another bowel blockage. This was my 4th blockage and hospitalization in 14 months. And this blockage was a fucking spiritual awakening. I have not experienced this kind of pain since I was first diagnosed with Crohns back in Dec 2009. I had been noticing inflammation for quite some time, thinking I needed to really dial down my diet, but also didn't take it very seriously. You see, I've been working on understanding my anxiety and living a life in well-being more, which also meant I was taking it more light hearted with what I was eating. Not overthinking my food choices, being in the present moment with what I was eating. It was all good, and in fact was a very healing time emotionally for me to live a bit looser with food. But you know that when I went back into the hospital last week that I was berating myself a bit for eating the way I had. "Drop the story" is what I am constantly reminding myself. Love what is (look up Byron Katie's work, it's life changing), because what IS, is what IS, and what IS is life itself. No need to worry, no need to past/future think, because that ISN'T. 

Anywho, the blockage. Cody needs to end his training appt and come home immediately to take me to the hospital Friday night. Tina understands, and he rushes home. I am in immense pain, hunched over, involuntary moans caused by excruciating pain within my intestines. This is always a spiritual experience, a transcending opportunity and opens and deepens my soul in a strange way each time I have a blockage. My body is changing, but I am held in something that is not changing.

The pain is there, we get to the ER and Cody drops me off up front. I understand exactly what is happening, and I am a regular here ordering my regular order. Go into the front lobby, hunch to the counter, smile at the receptionist, "I have a bowel blockage. I've had one of these a few times in the last year." She takes my information, her warm smile and attentiveness. I am in the moment, I understand what is happening just from previous experience, and am somehow okay with it.

I am nauseous, and I now understand this is a very bad situation. When I'm nauseous, and if I vomit, my body severely needs medical intervention. I rush into the bathroom, nauseous but no vomit. "Joni?" the nurse comes out to call me back to the ER section. My nausea fades and I rush out of the bathroom to be taken back. The quicker we move, the quicker we can get the NG tube in and the quicker my body can find some respite from the physical pain. Joe is my nurse, we're friends by now since he was my nurse 3 visits previously (just a handful of months ago). I vomit into a bag, all of my smoothie I had earlier that night and maybe some chunks of cauliflower. It was a lot. It was painful and relieving. Pain medication and nausea medication are given while we wait for CT scan and for the doctor's feedback.

It's confirmed a severe blockage after the contrast CT, and Joe comes in with the NG. "Fuck" I say, and he agrees. Even though I absolutely knew this was the next step before we did the scan, I knew the NG was coming on the drive, but to actualize it and go through the process always just... really fucking sucks. He put the NG tube in 3 visits ago and it got stuck coiling in my throat. It was one of those more traumatic insertions, from which the next visit when I got an NG tube, they gave me some medication that gives you slight amnesia from the experience to be less shitty. (I'd had one other smaller blockage between that last NG with the amnesia meds and this one, where I had come in and didn't need an NG tube, just a couple days with some laxatives got the job done).

This round, the Dr at the time suggested a heavy pain medication of Fetinol for the procedure instead of that other medication. She comes in and tells me this as I'm puking for a 2nd time into the bag, (far less puke, little chunks of something and I feel successful knowing I cleared out some passage for my intestines). She doesn't skip a beat at the site of vomit in action, I didn't even look at her before she came and left, she must be used to taking care of sick people.

Joe's been ordered to use a size 18 tube, and I say "Fuck that shit, we're doing a 16.  Tell the Dr I was being a total bitch about the 18 so you don't get in trouble and we had to do the 16. Seriously, I am not doing the 18." I've had 3 coiled NG experiences by now and I'm really really good on going smaller here. 

He is on board, he is my friend by now, we've been through a lot together. And it is done. He gives me fetinol, he gets the tube lubed up, I am completely in the present and finding all of the support from the universe as he preps this NG. I tell Cody to hold my hand, I ask the question that I always do "Ok so I swallow when? I'm going to tilt my head like this and then like this when you get there, and then swallow and swallow as you push it down" to prep myself mentally for the task at hand. "Ok let's do this." I hold Cody's hand, and we are all very present with the actions being taken. I suggest "We should get like another nurse in here or something?" Joe and Cody are confused "Why?" "IDK, for moral support or something?" Joe sighs "This is all we really need right here." He is so right, I surrender and confirm with my face. My face scrunches as hard as possible. Tube is inserted, extreme pressure but the fetinal is helping me bare this. I am determined to swallow this fucker down, this is not coiling in my throat and we aren't doing a fucking re-do where we have to pull it out in a flurry and my nose bleeds and my brains feel ripped out of my nasal passage... I squint my eyes harder than I ever have as the tube breaches into my right nostril, inch by inch, pressure is immense. Pushed in farther and farther, I do not know if he asks me to start swallowing or I instinctively start swallowing, but I am swallowing as much and as hard as possible. This fucker is going down, I am swallowing this down, I can't breathe and I do not need to breathe right now, I just need to swallow. Swallow, swallow, swallow, swallow, swallow. Scrunch my nose and eyes to grit through this aaaaaand. Joe got it inserted. It's in. My face is still severely scrunched, I am squeezing Cody's hand, and Joe is checking the measurement on the tube to make sure it's down far enough into my stomach. "Are you ok? You still look in pain" Cody asks as I'm scrunching hard. I loosen my face. We did it. He needs to push it down a few more inches. Uncomfortable, but very bareable. We get the scan to ensure it's in at the stomach and suctioning from a good place, it is confirmed. I know the procedure is complete, and my work is to sit in stillness for a few days as the NG relieves my bowels and helps my blockage find relief.

I didn't tell my family. I had 3 of these within the last year, I did not need to tell them it happened again. I did not want opinions or advice. I didn't need any of them to worry. What I needed was to connect to myself. To be with myself. I found myself in a deeply introverted place during this hospital stay. Deep reflection, deep spiritual work, Byron Katie playing on repeat as I learned how others were getting through their difficult times and how to address difficult thoughts and emotions. This was a pivotal moment in me coming to myself before anyone else. I didn't need any advice from anyone. Cody had mentioned some of this on his social media, so slowly some people did find out. His mom texted me "I thought your Crohns was in remission?" And I found that I did not need conversation like this. I didn't have the answers, and people asking me for answers was the last thing I wanted. I was seeking my own answers. I was seeking connection to ME. I needed me more than ever, and I was finding it. The guilt that comes from not reaching out to family has been very interesting. What's that projection about? Rachelle and Tawnya in particularly, I feel bad that I haven't kept them more involved in where I'm at. It's because I believe they want to be good sisters and supportive, so if they find out they weren't able to support me during a difficult time, they would be offended. 

I came home on Monday. 3 nights in the ER, thankful I didn't need surgery. The surgeon on call at the ER believed my Crohn's was very active, and got me in with a local GI to get onto medication asap. Anyway, the next week I am held in a spiritual cloud. The steroids I'm on make my brain feel fuzzy, which adds to the odd feeling but I am very well aware of it. My blood pressure was very low on the last day in the hospital, we all suspect from malnourishment. I hadn't eaten for 4 days, only liquids through the IV. On Monday, I had some celery juice. The following 3 days were juice only, lemon water, and water. Eating is not an option with this blockage, I have seen pictures of the anastomoses from the contrast CT scan, and I know this is high focus time on being present, being filled with gratitude for the support of the Universe, and for the spiritual enlightenment such a severe cut off from food is, knowing that my own body is attacking itself. Something is attacking the system I use to digest and dump waste, the automatic function of eating food becomes a spiritual practice. With having such low blood pressure, my toes, hands and nose were like ice, walking around in socks and a beanie, curious if this is what cancer patients feel like. My body was dying in a way. In a big way, it needed to. My spiritual belief system was being completely restructured, I was digesting so much of Byron Katie's work on Youtube, Mooji speeches and meditations, and finding deep deep connection with my soul. Cody railed into me around the 2nd day I was home from the hospital on what I'm eating in general and tells me I am not taking care of myself haha. And how I love him for it. This is truly my very own life and own experience, thank God for giving me a man that does not coddle me into false security. It hurt a bit, but only because I had some serious self inquiry to tend to. Sometimes I need to be shown clearly by another where I can inquire of myself more.

The GI tells me "Your disease is out of control" and is frantic that I get on medication. I cry in his office, and he is unsure how to handle this. He finishes speaking and brings in a sweet older nurse who is really good at jovial small talk. They examine my torso on the table, I get up, get the packet to read more on the medication he is suggesting, along with a debit card to start paying for it. I have $25k in debt from the last medication I was on, and I am grateful for options that pay for these treatments. I cry to release false beliefs that I am stuck in this system, I cry to tend to myself and be with my inner child who needs support. I cry to allow myself to be exactly where I am. So grateful there have been such big scientific discoveries that can help medicate these autoimmune diseases. I question the medical system because it has proven to be more concerned with reactive treatment and not preventative testing or education, with keeping people sick, and not with true healing. Pharmaceutical companies run a business, and their business does not need my body to be healthy. They do not have my true best interest at heart, they have bills to pay and wealth to build. The medical system saves lives when we have crisis and has literally saved my life about 11 times now, but it is not a friend for true longevity and your body healing as a whole. 

I have been forced to question so many systems in my life. The medical system and it's role in my life, the food industry, and religion and its role in my deep rooted anxiety and constant need to be "better". I've been having a spiritual awakening this year, spurred by years of anxiety and some very bad depression, along with our separation that caused my world to completely flip upside down. That was the peak of the dark night. And since July, when Cody and I reunited (thank God), my spiritual awakening has been pretty constant with it's pace, an ever burning desire to awaken, learn, understand myself more. I've been gaining so many insights, especially as the word I picked for this year has been Surrender... It's wild how helpful focusing on this word this year has streamlined my spiritual path as well. Literally every day I have found profound ways to surrender, and reflect upon how I surrendered that day. Anyways, with this Crohns flare, it created like a fucking portal of spiritual awakening to be completely blown wide open spiritually, feel deep purging and expanding, and connection to self.