Just Write

Since caring for my nervous system is my number one priority, I will be adjusting my thought patterns during the day to look out for my own wellness. I can easily wake up thinking about projects like Swell or Groupify. Things I need to do, things I'm not doing well, things I don't want to do be need to, things I wish the team was doing differently... These thoughts come so fast and so quickly and take up a lot of energy. What if I gently guided myself back to me. Take a pause as soon as I wake up, and be with myself. Be with my breath. Be so extremely kind and gentle when my thoughts drift off. As I'm walking around prepping my morning lemon water and l-glutamine drink, I can guide my thoughts to the present moment and the healing I am creating. This right now is LIFE. I am am living, I am not working on anything else. I am just doing the task that is in front of me.

I am my greatest commitment. My present moment connection. Nothing else is more important than my own personal peace and wellbeing, including: Work Projects Friends Family Any other commitments My greatest commitment is to check in with myself and find clarity in the present moment, and to stay aligned to what feels healthy for me. This may mean less money, less status, less external influence, less leadership. None of that matters more than my nervous system being taken care of by honoring what I need, and tuning in to my own center as often as possible.

My father in law has a personality that is very difficult for me to be with. To sit with. To talk to, to listen to. To be around, to be associated with. He makes me very uncomfortable, and feel very clenched up inside. He just so happens to be the HR department for Groupify, a side project I have been working on for free for about 7 months. He asked me to help with their design work, and I was curious and interested enough to say yes. The problem with him, is now that he brought me onto this project, and success I have with the project he sees as his success. He is a... narcissist I think? That word is used so much, I think it's overly used now-a-days, but I actually think he might be one. He sees the world as a sports game, and he is the reigning champion wherever he goes. This can be a great trait to have, it is a very confident approach. But the problem with our interactions is that he does not have an open mind or a soft approach, and comes across to the persons he is speaking ...

This is a pattern I have found with work. And with my relationship to Cody. I overcommit, I take on a lot of projects because they excite me and I believe I can do them and do them well. Which I can, but there is an underlying anxiety with it. As I am working and solving problems, there is an underlying restlessness that... I am doing too much. How can I bring structure around my endeavors, so I don't feel this restlessness? And so that I can be focused on the logistics of the task at hand, and not sitting inside of emotions? But really present to the current task? Writing my tasks out on paper is helpful. On a big white board to view each day. Way helpful.  Maybe it has to do with me always thinking my mom limited herself, because she wouldn't drive on the freeway or take a cashier job to get out of her comfort zone. I've always explored and have been curious, is there perhaps an overcompensation there?

This phrase is everything right now. I am dropping so many stories, and it's liberating. Sometimes it's very scary if I feel that those stories were what my identity was sitting on. But my real story, is that I am doing great just as is. I don't need to suffer inside of thoughts or negative beliefs. I have the opportunity to alchemize these hard feelings and thoughts and behaviors, transform them into loving kindness to self and the world around me. That's the really beautiful thing about energy and how it works. It can be transformed, even in an instant. It's ok if sometimes, it feels extra sticky to drop those stories. Like, it's a piece of gum we're trying to throw out the window, and it just sticks to our finger no matter how hard we're whipping our hand around. It's ok for us to pull over on the road, and methodically unstick it off of our fingers so to speak... Come into reality as slowly or immediately as you need. You will find peace and clar...

I'm allowed to lead because I lead myself. I love my team, because I love myself. I love our work, because I am deeply connected to myself. My present moment is a manifestation of my mission. My mission is to shine light to the world within my balanced and beautiful capacity to do so. To support this mission, I offer self love to myself every possible second of each moment. I buoy my inner child, and she supports me, along with my higher self. We are all aligned, inner child, present moment, higher self, in clarity, compassion, and allowance. I support this mission my releasing the story, and dropping the delusion of negativity. Life is love. And I love what is. Because I choose to, because it is what is. And what is, is FOR me. And if it is FOR me, it is for everyone. So, I am for everyone I come into contact with. I am open. I am allowing. I am deeply connecting and understand how to make choices in the moment, out of loving compassion and clarity. Clarity. Clarity could be my mi...

This morning I had a call with Dr. Brook Goldner. It was fantastic. She helped kick my butt into gear by calling me out on my shit. I either do western medicine, nutritional medicine, or crohns. There is no in between. There is no "a little medicine here and a little this there..." I needed her call today. I recorded it and will be listening to this again as I train my brain to relate to food in a new way. In a way I have been leaning into slowing for a long time, since learning that food can heal you. But right now, it's go time. I am a mortal body. My time is limited. My focus is here in the now, wide awake and wide open to the experience. I find huge surges of scarcity come through me as I am awakening. Spiritually, and also food-wise which is what most people use as their "worship", the thing that they turn to for emotional escape. Those things other people call "treats" are now considered cat food. Those things people go to for "joy" but...

I loosen my expecatation, I drop the story. I let go, and am held in this present moment. The phone plays the music on hold, for the 13th minute. I could be lulled into thoughts of projects I'd like to be working on, the frustration of the medical system, of how sick people are made more sick, and of how the food industry and the pharmaceautical industry have both gotten me into this situation... I've been on countless phone calls to get coverage for treatments, with countless new people, who all haven't known how to solve my problem. Each phone call we start over, I explain the whole situation on repeat, and again I am placed on hold. What is surrender right here, in this logisitical fuckstorm? What does dropping a story of $28,000 in medical debt? What does surrender look like, feel like, can I find it? I drop the stories. I drop the blame. I put my accusatory finger down, I allow the internal raging sandstorm to soften, and I bring my palm to my heart. I am nothing, but ...

Work has become such a secondary thing in my life. I want to pursue what really speaks to my soul, and right now that's honestly just sitting with myself and connecting to self. Processing deep loving kindness... My ADHD also has kicked into high gear. Partly blaming this on the steroids I'm on for the next few weeks for this Crohn's flare I'm having. I want to connect to people in Cody's 30 Challenge, I want to create our community so I can be in this with him and we can just do this as a living, I want to build abundance, I want to ideate and sit in the visions we have of the future. I don't really want to sit at a computer and do product design work for Swell. But... I DO want to have the financial stability that Swell provides, whilst pursuing our other endeavors. Can I have a co-creative relationship with my full time work, and the desires of my heart?

My purpose and vision for life is to be a vehicle for the universe to allow expansion in this lifetime. To be a conduit for energetic flow and to be open and available to my spirit to receive divine direction and guidance. My purpose is to be the most kind and patient friend to myself, and to my ancestors. This is how I create a strong and impenetrable foundation, in the here and now, in order to listen and act in the most abundant way possible. My vision is to find what I am here to do. It will show itself to me more and more, the specifics, as I connect to myself and surrender to the Universe every single day. My purpose is to create my heaven.

 I'm afraid to share my passions. I shared the meditation with Sean and Rachelle, and I was very judgmental and harsh towards myself. I was feeling so passionate and excited, and that immediately made me feel I was supposed to shame myself. Now, sitting inside of that. What am I experiencing? What are these emotions that are coming up? Judgment Embarrassment Uncertainty Shame that it's not "right" or "correct" or "the thing I SHOULD be doing or caring about". No one is coming at me and in fact, they might love that I am sharing. What this shame and unease come from, is that I have not ALLOWED myself to feel passionate. Largely because my mom was labeled manic and had shock treatments, and was talked about as a crazy person, and I saw her as passionate. So when I was very little, feeling truly and deeply passionate about something triggered a fear within myself - A fear that if I allowed myself to be completely joy-filled and unlimited within my pas...

My anxiety has stemmed from a deeply rooted judgment of self. I haven't realized this until now. I've been able to sit within extreme anxiety the last couple weeks, and especially today, and cut right through it, to see clearly the present moment. And the realization of my own self judgement came to me clearly, and I, for the first time ever, sat outside of it. In the heat of adrenaline and panic. Saw it for what it was. That self judgment is a generational pattern that I am breaking, was able to wake up to, and I believe my ancestors are supporting me and cheering me on. I'm so grateful for this time, to have a spiritual awakening during the time YouTube is around. For reals! It has really benefited me in finding Byron Katie and her work. I watch her working sessions all the time, and they have helped me see that it's possible to deeply love myself, and to deeply love the world. She has shown me how possible it is, Mooji and his videos have helped me silence my thinkin...

One creative outlet that's intriguing to me right now is: Making space art. Images of astronauts floating in space are very interesting to me, and I believe it's because I am letting go of so much right now. What more of an experience of a "let go" would it be than to be in outerspace, floating with zero gravity. I see the earth from thousands of miles away, planets, beauty and universal expansion, all without pressure. There is something huge about this that is helping me understand how to let go. 2 friends came to mind that could eventually help me get these images. Raquel Acevedo who is an amazing photographer and soul. And Mariza Centenera who is amazing at cosplay and creating outfits and different looks. They both have an amazing eye and could really help me pull these images off, or maybe they're videos? A way to express myself. I don't care if it's funded, would be awesome to monetize it of course, because I am debating on having a sarrogate carry ...

Growing up with religion engrained in me, trained every cell in my body to feel guilty for existing. I don't care what the motive was - people thought they were saving my soul and keeping our family intact. My soul was put into a box, and disciplined to believe God is multiple layers separate from self. That God is only here with me and only pleased with me when I do the correct things. Loving one another is a huge teaching in the religion of my heritage. But it was lathered in so many conditions, although those aren't spoken much of. In so many judgments. And with so many walls. Religion is great because it provides structure. However, the base message of religion has God's voice saying something like this: "If you follow these rules, you can find me. If you don't follow these rules, you must burn in hell and feel extreme guilt and deep sorrow. You are cast off from my presence, because you are not doing the checklist of things I have sent for you to do. I am abov...

Just because I'm not subscribing to the mormon religion anymore, doesn't meant that my family won't love me. Guess what? I didn't subscribe to it for many years. I have never really read the scriptures or felt connected to them, or pray in the typical way we are taught. I have always been different in this, and have always connected more to nature, and to humans wherever the "tribe" was. So internally, things are not shifting too immensely... It's more a shift in accepting myself fully, and stopping things that are programmed into me that aren't serving me purpose. It's really a huge LET GO. Which is interesting. It's dropping shit. I don't need to figure anything out really, I need to just drop shit. Living my spiritual truth that is different from my family or upbringing doesn't mean that my life has to go through a painful emancipation process. Yes, there will be uncomfortable situations and conversations that will be come up. But, w...

I don't have to police people. I no longer subscribe to "good girl bad girl" thinking. The present moment is beautiful and perfect as it is, living in this giving and supportive universe for our human bodies. I believe in an unconditionally kind, generous God, who does not want me to live in a constant state of anxiety, guilt, or shame. God does not want me to kill myself off in dis-ease. He wants me connected to myself, to my spirit, to him/her. God is okay and very generously supporting me in the decisions I need to make in my life in order to be truly joyful and live in  my truth . My truth is that I am a divine creation birthed by God, and he is a part of me. If my jaw is clenching, and my spirit is paralyzed in confusion, fear, and disconnection, how can I be aligned to him within myself? I no longer subscribe to anxiety, and with that, has come the invitation to unsubscribe from the systems and beliefs that do not align to my inner self. Not until life beat me down ...

 "You need to leave him" they say at the picnic table. I was an anxious wreck, skinny as hell because anxiety + crohns play that well together. And had lost my "sparkle" and life force. My sisters and sis-in-law were there, as it seemed to me, to rally together to get me out of a tough situation. It seemed obvious to them that the situation was my marriage, because we had a rough road over the years, and because they respect my abilities highly. They didn't question my own projected perspectives from unhealthy patterns that weren't serving me, they saw them as accurate and truth. I do not blame them. My husband made decisions that I didn't like over the years, I sought their expertise on the situation, and then would work on changing him accordingly. It took a lot of energy to change him, to point out his flaws, to live in past/future in order to keep him inside some kind of rails... because I still had my own life to live. But that seemed secondary. My ...

This last week was a week of great spiritual awakening. Last Friday, 9 days ago, I had another bowel blockage. This was my 4th blockage and hospitalization in 14 months. And this blockage was a fucking spiritual awakening. I have not experienced this kind of pain since I was first diagnosed with Crohns back in Dec 2009. I had been noticing inflammation for quite some time, thinking I needed to really dial down my diet, but also didn't take it very seriously. You see, I've been working on understanding my anxiety and living a life in well-being more, which also meant I was taking it more light hearted with what I was eating. Not overthinking my food choices, being in the present moment with what I was eating. It was all good, and in fact was a very healing time emotionally for me to live a bit looser with food. But you know that when I went back into the hospital last week that I was berating myself a bit for eating the way I had.  "Drop the story"  is what I am consta...

According to Google: "The normal decibel level of a human voice,  between 55 and 65 dB , is considered safe as it is under the 70 decibels/24-hours or 85 decibels/8-hours recommended exposure limit. However, the decibel level of a human voice can get much higher if that person is speaking in a loud voice and very close to your ears." How many decibels does it take for God to hear your cries? If I were talking fairly normal, at a 57 dB let's say, praying to him to send his miracles to me, would he take me seriously? Or would it not be until I hit about the 65dB range? Maybe that's when he sees me, and realizes he should attend to "his precious daughter". Sometimes even 70dB, my loudest most deep cries didn't even bring him to my door, or to my knowing I felt even more disconnected to him than ever.  Reaching out to a God that is separate from me has only brought me more separation from myself. But when I am truly connected to this present moment, with no ...

"This disease is out of control at this point", I hear the doctor say. "This is unacceptable, I would have started you on biologics back in July when you had your first blockage last year. You're a young pup, younger than my daughter, and I want to bide you the time with good health to live your life, have kids if that's what you want. I have never seen any medical research done that shows that a diet can change the course of Crohns disease." Tears well up in my eyes. I knew I should have been eating more clean, but it's so not what the world does around me. I eat exceptionally clean for where I live, and especially compared to my family. You know, I'm just pissed off that sugar became such a hit and got into everything that we eat now. That we are sold food not by the nutritional wellness, but by it's chemical and addictive and satiating qualities.  Part of me wants a do-over. Can I go back to my childhood and tell my grandma and mom to stop fee...